Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Trail 79 - Haunted Trail

Hash Trash MountainBeers Trail 79 – Haunted Trail by Free Sexx Cock Fight and Virgin hare Majid led us through the haunted forest on a frighteningly shitty trail. On-Out The night began innocently enough, but it would not remain so for long. As per usual, we spent an inordinate amount of time pre-lubing at Gene’s Beer Garden waiting for trail to start. The Raunchy Reverend hosted his world-famous Glow-Cock Ring-Toss carny game. The first several contestants couldn’t get their rings over Reverend’s massive tip. Hogtied finally won the game by applying the first ring with her mouth. LiqHer Hard also proved that he knows his way around the Reverend’s crotch, scoring three out of three on his first try. Jesus arrived late to the party, proving that he can, in fact, go hashing. On-out was called, but not before Jesus got to second base with Sister Flatus.

Trail #1 The first leg of the trail wasn’t very far away, but some over-enthusiastic hounds decided to give us some extra r*nning. These racists ran a half-mile past the false trail along White Avenue. We backtracked another half-mile and almost got eaten by a giant Rottweiler entering the woods. Beer Near #1 The MountainBeers learned a great deal during the first beer stop. NFHN Nick taught us an important lesson about the afterlife. When you defile someone’s furniture by having sex on top of it, the owner’s eternal soul becomes enslaved to you in the afterlife. The Raunchy Reverend prayed to the heavens for guidance on the matter. Jesus promptly confirmed the ancient Defilement Right of Bondage. After these important life lessons it was time for on-out. The hounds quickly downed their Keystone Enlightenment with enthusiasm and began the uphill battle to inebriation. Trail #2 The hounds continued along the woods and up the steep hills of South Park. The thick brush drew blood from more than one hasher. I’m still picking off briars a week later. The climb was well worth the effort. At the peak of South Park, just behind the slip ‘n slide of old, was the entrance of Haunted Forest. A mysterious voice greeted us at the entrance warning us of our impending doom. Onward! Haunted Trail Ghosts, goblins, and werewolves wandered freely about as we journeyed through the woods. The hashers huddled together, stepping over the human remains and thick spider webs littering the dirt pathways. The second beer near was located in a small ravine surrounded by three large mounds. The MountainBeers continued to drink enlightenment while Sister Flatus and Jesus watched in judgment - perched atop the highest mound. Satan took advantage of the distraction and snuck up behind the happy couple. He won a round of King of the Mountain and began his evil reign over the second beer near.
Haunted Trail #2 The hounds continued to follow the haunted trail, winding their way through the woods. Sinister laughter echoed through the forest as the group neared a tattered wooden tree-bridge. The wood creaked under the weight of the first few brave hounds, leading several others to seek safer crossing. Suddenly, a Bridge Troll blocked the path of our valiant heroes. Sister Flatus pushed forward and flashed her Breasts of Fury, leaving the troll dazed and confused.
Shot Check #1 The first shot check was found on the far end of the ragged troll bridge. A bottle of Burnett’s Whippy slutted itself out around the circle of eager MountainBeers. Officer Half Mind showed up with a Warrant to Strip Search, but left disappointed when only Sister Flatus obliged. Haunted Trail #3 Double Dribble’s virgin blazed the way ahead for the last stretch of the Haunted Forest. He found a teddy bear that had quite obviously been lost in the woods for at least a decade. Regardless, he lugged her around for the rest of trail. I don’t even want to guess as to what sinister scheme he had in mind for that poor teddy. Several hashers reported mysterious ass-grabbing. Some believe it was the work of a particularly naughty Double Dribble, but I think it was the Ghost of Hashmas Past. Shot Check #2 The haunted trail emptied out into the graveyard at the top of Dorsey. Another bottle of Burnett’s was whored out (pumpkin?) amongst the gravestones. Sadly, I had to make an early escape to meet up with Buns so that we could watch Pigeons Playing Ping Pong for a completely different adventure.

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